


Likely as a Rancor in a Tutu

by ImperialRemnant



Series: Shenanigans of the Force Kind [30]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: (i guess? haha), Attempt at humour, Gen, Love Confessions, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 16:28:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5423969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImperialRemnant/pseuds/ImperialRemnant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>War! Between the First Order and the Resistance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Likely as a Rancor in a Tutu

The clouds cleared, the soldiers ready. The X-Wings and TIE Fighters were moving in closer from the distance.

Snoke stared as the Resistance soldiers appeared out of the trees, behind him his own troops had been coming down from the fleet. Gathering up, preparing.

Doodles the rancor roared in his cage beside him.

Hux and Phasma stood close by too. The General insisting he shouldn’t be in the fight, he should be in Command, ordering people around.

“And you can do it from here, General,” is what Snoke said.

The silence could’ve lasted a life time.

Snoke drew in a breath and bellowed “ATTACK!”

Battle cries “For the Empire!” or “For the Republic!” 

Soldiers running forward and meshing, clear lines of troops fading. The ships met in the middle too, in blaster fire and explosions.

Snoke still stood beside the rancor cage and Rivana, not having moved. Remaining calm, “We will crush the Resistance, once and for all.”

Hux was quite the opposite, on edge and nervous. Phasma trying hard to keep at attention. When a Resistance soldier got near them, she shot them before they got to Hux.

“Where’s Kylo?” Hux asked, scanning the battlefield near the forest for any red lightsaber blades. He spotted a blue one, Rey having run out from the side, surprising the Order with a battalion of more soldiers.

“Look sir!” Phasma pointed in the other direction. Coming out of the forest, lightsaber ablaze and _helmetless_ , was Kylo. He ran past troops with ease, cutting down the enemy. Even helping out First Order Troopers on the way.

Kylo was a few metres away from them when his hands outstretched towards them. Coming from behind, flying between Hux and Phasma, was a Resistance soldier. Kylo pulled the soldier towards himself, beheading them as he walked forward.

“Miss me?” Kylo asked, and the other two could only stare at Kylo’s actual face. Mask gone.

Hux and Phasma shared a look, then to Kylo. Hux said, “We were hoping you wouldn’t get yourself killed battling the Jedi.”

“Oh yeah, speaking of the Jedi,” Kylo looked over to Snoke, “Milord, its Luke Skywalker. I came across him.”   
“Did you kill him?” Snoke asked.

“No, sir,” Kylo said, “I wasn’t strong enough...”

“You fought him?” Hux asked, concerned, “And you survived? Are you all right?”

“He cut my wrist,” Kylo said, showing the burn on his gloved hand. It was hard to tell how deep it was at the moment. Hux took hold of his hand, inspecting the wrist closely, wondering if it was serious enough to call for a medic. But Kylo took his hand away slowly, smiling and caressing the General, but moved away quick when Snoke spoke.

“I shall handle Skywalker when he gets here.” then Snoke said to Rivana, “Go child, kill the enemy.”

 Rivana ran off, looking gleeful to be allowed to murder. Snoke ended up being surrounded by some soldiers, his own ligthsaber coming into action and battled.

Phasma, Hux and Kylo remained rather ignored. Except for the occasional random person who tried to kill them, but they swiftly shot them (or stabbed them) dead.

“You think we’ll win this battle?” Hux asked.

Phasma shrugged, then in amusement, “Sounds about as likely as a rancor in a tutu.”

* * *

Snoke had finished taking out the soldiers who had been stupid enough to try to kill him. He yelled out “RELEASE THE RANCOR.”

Nobody did that. Snoke grumbled, going up to the cage himself, using his lightsaber to cut it open. Doodles stumbled out, roaring loud again.

“DESTROY THEM! DESTROY THEM ALL!” Snoke yelled out. The rancor obliged, but took the ‘all’ a little too seriously. It didn’t just slaughter Resistance soldiers, but also some of the Order’s Troopers. The Supreme Leader just shrugged.

* * *

Our First Order trio stared at the rancor in a teal tutu, picking people up and biting off their heads.

Phasma laughed, “How did putting the tutu on the rancor actually go by the way?”

“Very anticlimactic,” Kylo said, frowning, “a complete rip-off really. Who’s writing this thing?”  

Phasma smirked, moving on from that conversation, “And how’s all that finishing off what Vader started stuff going?”

Kylo glared, “If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been a tad lil bit busy.”

“And your helmet is missing,” Hux finally said, curiosity making him wish to ask about its absence.

Kylo felt his face, “Oh yeah, it got knocked off. Huh. I’ll go into the forest and get it back later.”

In the distance Phasma and Hux, for Kylo was facing away, spotted Luke Skywalker and Finn coming out of the forest entering the fray.

“GENERAL HUX,” They heard Snoke say, “YOU TAKE IT FROM HERE.” Then Snoke ran off, preparing to fight Luke Skywalker. The other Knights of Ren gathering towards the other Jedi.

Whatever Snoke had meant by ‘take it from here’ was ignored. With Hux lighting up, looking excited, he looked towards his comrades “He called me the right name, guys! He called me Hux!”

“General,” Kylo said with a small smile, looking pleased by Hux’s happiness, something which the General didn’t tend to show.

“He called me Hux!” Hux said, he reached up and kissed Phasma on the cheek of her helmet. Then he looked at Kylo, grabbing hold of the front of his clothes, “Snoke called me Hux!”

Kylo chuckled, “He did, he did call you Hux.”

And instead of kissing Kylo on the cheek, Hux went straight for the mouth. And the two stood there snogging.

Phasma politely looked away. Watching the surrounding battle. She spotted a Resistance soldier come up, ready to shoot towards them. But he put down his weapon upon seeing Kylo and Hux, saying “Naaww, kawaii desu.”

Phasma shot him in the face while she had the chance.

* * *

When the body fell to the ground, Yoda appeared beside Anakin and Obi-Wan.

“Unexpected, that was.”

“Did you manage to get yourself _killed_?” Obi-Wan asked, incredulous, “I can’t believe we can actually die again.”

“Die, I did not! Possessing someone I was! To help,” Yoda glared, “Say the same thing for you, I cannot. What have you been doing, hmm? No help you are!”

Anakin stayed innocent, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Master Yoda.”

“Resting around, being lazy! Drinking your martinis,” Yoda jabbed his cane in Anakin’s direction, gesturing towards what the former Sith carried in his hand.

“Whaaaaaaa-,” Anakin threw away his glass, “Master, we would _never_.”

With his cane, the Jedi Grandmaster hit them both in the shins repeatedly.

* * *

When Hux and Kylo let go of each other, looking rather flustered and embarrassed, Phasma grabbed hold of the both of them pulling them into a hug.

Around them the battle continued. Rivana ripping the faces off the Resistance soldiers. Doodles still biting off heads. Snoke and Luke in an epic lightsaber match. Finn and Rey ran past at one point, screaming something, waving their lightsabers. The Millennium Falcon came into battle overhead, helping X-Wings take out TIE Fighters with ease. It was looking rather bleak for the First Order.

“I love you guys,” Phasma said, squeezing them tight.

“I love you guys too,” Kylo said, smiling.

Phasma and Kylo looked expectantly at Hux.

The General grumbled, muttering something similar to, “Yeah, I guess.” The other two couldn’t help but laugh.

 

**PLEASE NOTE: The events of this series transpired in an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE before the revelation of what happened in what may be called STAR WARS CANON. It is out of character, ambiguous at most and does not take place in the same galaxy far far away which the humans of earth are shown on the big screen.**  
**This universe was documented by myself, brought over to be read by you, The Reader. A transcript of the shenanigans induced by the will of The Force. May it be read scarcely, sparingly and taken with a pinch of salt.**  
**Heed, dear Readers, the effects of this series. Especially if read in the time period of PRE-FORCE AWAKENS. If you have read this post-film, then know its non-canoness.  
** **I bid thee farewell, dear Readers, and GOOD LUCK with any upcoming STAR WARS film.**

**This is the Sith Lord DARTH DARTH BINKS signing off.**

**Author's Note:**

> Well thanks for joining me on this complete mess of a series the past 30 days. I may continue writing stories for this universe after I've seen the movie (Just over a couple of days!). I have lots of ideas, so hey this might not be the end. But it's definitely the end of... well... pre-movie. And I don't really have much else to say, just I hope you didn't hate that ending. ;P 
> 
> Godspeed!


End file.
